Allowing Myself To Feel Love
Finding a balance between dependence and actually feeling emotions of attraction, then possibly love…
Is a challenge in the life of this alcoholic.
Thanks Oliver - your comment was right on point and contained a few lessons I had learned some time ago. I appreciate you putting them out there as a reminder to me and for everyone else to see.
Letting Go. It’s a concept understood with difficulty and practiced with labor, for me. It has assuredly gotten better! Thankfully. Allowing myself to feel love is a definite challenge because I know today I am a master of self-delusion. I can clear something up about this right away!
Love (my experience and new understanding) is NOT something you feel in your loins! It is a feeling that arises in your heart…
And only in your heart! It does not manifest itself solely in your mind. It certainly isn’t something that happens when you see someone and think to yourself: “Gee, now that is something I’d like to be with!” Wrong!
There is a tell-tale pitter patter within your chest. And you definitely feel it. Its real.
But - as an alcoholic I have discovered that I am subject to feeling it very very easily depending on where my state of mind and spiritual condition are. I also must step back and give the feeling strong consideration along with taking the time to make some observations, then possibly some decisions.
Today its those decisions and observations that can lead me to a place where I might have to let go. The reason can boil itself down to whether my life could be at stake. It’s actually a shame that this is the way it is, for me, but it is one of the realities of my human existence. Intellectually, and from experience, I also know it can be the best thing for her.
And I find myself there right now. The feeling has grown some recently. She is a newcomer and I know she doesn’t know. I’ve not given her any indication at all. But God has a wonderful plan and First Things First! She has a perfect right to be given the opportunity to make full use of this magnificent gift she’s been given and that ought not have anything to do with me! There is no way I should allow myself to put me in a position where I distract her from the most important priority of what could be her life! If I acted in any other way it would invalidate these feelings.
Because you’re right - if I love someone I have to be willing to let them go, completely, no reservations. I can’t afford the attachment you spoke of, even if it were to come to pass and we partnered, I’d be required to be willing to let go. To pray that she find everything from God that I always wanted for myself and more. That’s true love, imho.
Tags: 11th-step, 2nd-step, 3rd-step, loveRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Courage To Change, Experience, Strength and Hope, Personal
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