As Sick As Our Darkest Secrets
Please give serious consideration to the “effect” of the words he uses when writing the Fifth Step. (Pgs. 55-56 12 and 12)
“If we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever.”
Tormenting Ghosts.
Torment - to inflict excruciating misery upon, either of body or mind; to torture
“We have to talk to somebody about them. So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many A.A.’s at first try to bypass Step Five. We search for an easier way - which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors.”
Intense fear - my fear is so intense I look for easier ways despite the fact that I’ll torment myself! I think the easier way is less painful - how wrong I am. Plus, I’m lying to myself, I am a master of self-delusion.
“Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.”
Drama - how bad was it? THAT bad! I’m such a victim!
“But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they’ll go to the grave with us.”
I’m too embarassed or ashamed to let you know what I’ve done. Of course, the people I’ve done it to have suffered with the effects for years now, heaven forbid I should own up to it because I’m ashamed.
“Yet if A.A.’s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve.”
Perilous - dangerous. Resolve - a firm decision.
Yeah - I’m such an excellent decision maker…
“Even A.A. oldtimers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal.”
Conceal - keep secret. Looking back at torment, how about the irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression I bring on myself carrying the load alone?
“They discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own.”
Somehow, I can hear Matt M. yelling out loudly that this Step “cries out for a sponsor!”
A Sober, Clean Day To All,
Mark
Tags: 5th-step, alcoholics-anonymous, Recovery, sobrietyRelated Stories
POSTED IN: The Fifth Step
1 opinion for As Sick As Our Darkest Secrets
A Dozen Steps » Terminal Uniqueness
Jun 24, 2006 at 8:45 am
[…] So I moved further along into the Fifth Step (see “As Sick As Our Darkest Secrets”). […]
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