Change
Only a few short months away from my (hopefully) last drink was the discomfort of walking into my first AA home group for the usual Sat. night beginners’ meeting and discovering that all the chairs and tables were in a different set-up than “normal.”
I wasn’t alone as a couple of my fellow beginners expressed the same feelings.
Thank God for oldtimers! One of them offered us the reality of one of our many, many character defects by reminding us that, for the most part, alcoholics hate change. I understood.
There has been a change at “A Dozen Steps.” It would be my hope that you don’t feel too uncomfortable with it. Unfortunately, Anne could not continue (Take Care Anne) and I asked to replace her. That request was granted. So…
My name is Mark and I am definitely an alcoholic! I have a sobriety date. It is January 6th, 1990. I am a member of a home group called the SouthSide Group. I’ve had the same sponsor since 1993 (my first sponsor passed away with 17 years) - his name is Rick T.
Happily, I have been referred to as a “Big Book Thumper.” It is my hope that I can come to this venue to pass on what I have learned and engage you to share what you have learned so we might fulfill the primary purpose - to help others find recovery.
May We Trudge The Happy Road Together,
Mark
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POSTED IN: Courage To Change
20 opinions for Change
Hsien Lei
Apr 17, 2006 at 9:30 am
I can’t imagine it being an easy road, Mark, but I’m sure many would happily trudge along with you.
Congratulations on the rebirth of this blog.
markw
Apr 17, 2006 at 9:43 am
Thanks Hsien.
It’s a pleasure to be a part of b5.
Liz Strauss
Apr 18, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Hi Mark,
Big Thumper-huh!
No wonder they call you that. You’re always making me see just a bit more color in my box of crayons. Congratulations on a new blog. You may not like change, but this change looks good on you.
Liz
Danny Schwarzhoff
Jun 1, 2006 at 3:37 pm
At first, summer of 1998, it was not easy for me to stay sober , just not drinking and going to meetings. But at least I wasn’t drinking, and was put into a place of fellowship where I could hear the message, but only if and it was conveyed. And thank God it finally was.
The welcomed and wonderful band-aids of the Fellowship with which I had covered my wounds were beginning to reach their full saturation point. The spiritual bleeding continued.
It was five days short of my second anniversary on a curiously warm night, and a drink was the furthest thing from my mind. I was driving home from my office and I was feeling rather at ease.
It had been a productive night evening. Our production (sales) was excellent, I had hired some new very promising people, and I was in a fantastic frame of mind. I had just gotten off the phone with my sponsor, and we had shared some great AA talk. Suddenly it occurred to me that on such a great day, it is a damned shame that I cannot drink anymore.”
It would have been the ideal time to unwind — kick back, and REALLY enjoy my good fortune, my imminent sober anniversary and my apparent serenity.
Three days later I awoke in a motel room, five minutes from my office. I was in bed, naked, sweating and shivering cold, and coming off a blackout. I had relapsed. I have no memory of what happened to me from the time the insanity of the first drink entered my thoughts, to the time I came to.
I drove home. The pain in my soul was so extreme, I felt that death was the only possible way out. The sickness in my own soul had hit my absolute threshold. I knew it was not possible for me to take even one iota more. I had a shotgun in the house. I thought that if I put the barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes, I would be relieved.
But I knew the shells where too old, and with a shotgun in my crotch, if it misfired it could be very painful and unfortunate if I lived. Yet death was the only way.
I did not know it, but THIS was a jumping-off place where I had never been before.
I headed for the basement to bring the gun back upstairs to bed. On the way, I stopped. I stood on the balcony outside of the bedroom and looked down at my son’s room, where he lay asleep. “What about him.” I thought. What of him growing up without a daddy like you did?
Then I thought of my wife behind me, lying in bed. What horror would she experience to hear the explosion and watch as my head splattered across the ceiling; possibly with bits of my splattered brains dripping down on the bed next to her; my headless body lying beside her? Was this what she bargained for when she married me?
Had she any idea?
I turned around and headed back to my bed, and put my head face down into the pillow and I prayed to God. A cry that came from deep down from my solar plexus - my “soul” if you will.
I asked of God not to live; neither did I ask to die. I made no promises in exchange for anything. I just abandoned all hope for myself of doing anything and asked (prayed - begged) that anything He wanted would be. I knew I must now either die or live, whichever was His choice, because only one or the other was possible in that moment. All I knew was the way I now am, could not possibly continue.
At this same moment, when death seemed so appealing, I had what would be termed as a spiritual experience. With it came a sudden, breeze of cool, sweet smelling air through the room. I heard, in my consciousness, the voice of God. He said that He loved me and would help if I would have Him, that there was a better way to Him. It was a path paved by those who came before. It would lead me back to Him. I could see this with a vision and clarity that I still have today. I thanked God, and I cried for my past arrogance and fell off to sleep
The next morning, after sleeping only a few hours, I awoke feeling well rested. An old-timer came into my life a few days later. He offered and I accepted his help in guiding me through and practicing the Program of recovery using the directions outlined by the first one hundred alcoholics who authored the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
I began to see the results immediately and forty-four days later, I was a free man. I began to seek out fellow alcoholics in AA who also followed or sought the same path. It is the reason I am a moderator of Yahoo Groups, and try to stay in contact with folks all around the world who follow this path - and why I endeavor to engage in any activity I can which might help others.
Peace,
Danny S
markw
Jun 2, 2006 at 6:38 am
Danny,
It is a marvelous gift - this thing we call sobriety. It is to be treasured each and every day.
Now, having said that, and in spite of my feelings about negativity, let me tell you how I feel about what you’ve written here…
Check your MOTIVES!!! I get it - you’re going to be, or are, promoting your book. My Blog and the comments section weren’t designed to be a free advertising area for YOU!
What you’ve done here is much less than professional, yet so typically alcoholic - self engrandizing.
Recovered? I doubt it…
Just MHPO :-)
Mark
Danny Schwarzhoff
Aug 5, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Sobriety is not the gift. Recovery is. Any fool can stay sober for one day - we’ve ALL done it. I guess you’d have to experience recovery to understand it.
We don’t “Check our motives” in AA Program. That is middle-of-road felloship babble. If you were a practitioner of AAs Program you would know that and have experience with that. Instead, we ask God to to do it for us, daily and “Our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.” (86:2) It works and my conscience is clear, but thanks for taking my inventory.
If you think putting a message of hope through my experience recovering from alcoholism, on your well “off-the-beaten path” blog is an act of advertising, you over-rate your web presence and must be delusional.
Try AA. I’d be the first to give you a warm welcome to the Fellowship of the Spirit.
Now excuse we while I get the resentment you gave me removed utilyzing the Program - Step Ten :) (That works too ya know!)
Peace,
Danny S
http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com
markw
Aug 5, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Nice try Danny… I\’ll just have to keep trudging. I haven\’t found all the perfection you have.
\”putting a message of hope through my experience recovering from alcoholism, on your well \’off-the-beaten path\’ blog\”
Let me see, okay, the first assumption you make is; I don\’t know about Blogging and the real purpose of comments. I looked at your writing and, at first glance, it is wonderful. Just one problem - it doesn\’t jive with the original post. It is an entire entry unto itself.
The next question is: will most perceive that you were sitting at your computer and just happened to roll this writing off the tip of your tongue? Well, no, that isn\’t in tune with reality. You copied and pasted this from elsewhere, obviously.
Now, why would you do that? In the hope that folks would click through to the links you\’ve left. It isn\’t rocket science and I believe you thought you found some lame \”off-the-beaten path\” Blog where that would work.
It didn\’t. (and, yes, I\’ve edited this comment)
Myrna H
Aug 6, 2006 at 1:13 pm
upon more investigation into this site I find you are using this blog to belittle others and make yourself feel superior.
you are a negative person. You show no tact.
myrna
Danny Schwarzhoff
Aug 6, 2006 at 2:03 pm
I paste my story where I think others may enjoy and receive hope from it. It you don’t - that’s fine. Just delete it.
Turning a positive story the hope for recovery into a negative is apparently your “thing”.
Most people respond positively to my story - you have responded negatively. I find that….odd. Sorry but it’s the only story I have.
And I won’t share my experiences in recovery where it is not welcomed and met with abject negativism and distrust. Actually I am quite used to the occaissional negativity.
Be well - and if I am lucky, perhaps I will meet you again, only then on the road of Happy Destiny.
Peace,
Danny Schwarzhoff
http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com
markw
Aug 6, 2006 at 4:59 pm
Danny,
No, sorry, I’m not your doormat.
You posted a drive-by article of your own on someone else’s web site that did not pertain to the original entry. In Internet Marketing circles that is considered spamming. On this Blog that is considered inconsiderate, disrespectful and self-serving.
Having been called on it, you resort to name calling and character assassination to justify your behavior.
I’m not going to delete it. I’m going to leave it here for a newcomer to perceive it the way they happen to perceive it. They may be misled initially, as I was, but I believe eventually most will see through the self-serving motive.
In addition, anyone who sincerely reads the BB will discover that the quote you used from pg. 86 you conveniently edited to serve your purpose. What that paragraph actually says is;
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
We don’t ask God to check our motives. We ask Him to direct our thinking. Anyone, anyone at all, will tell you that this does not mean that I don’t use my thinking anyway, just as you have here.
There is no such thing as middle-of-the-road fellowship babble either.
On one thing we can certainly agree. I am also used to the occasional negativity. However it is not your experience that is not welcomed here, it would be your self-serving agenda and your character assassination that is unwelcomed.
markw
Aug 6, 2006 at 5:09 pm
Myrna,
I’m very sorry you feel the way you do. I accept there is nothing I can do to change that and I will move on.
I would say though, that whatever you care to call it, because it really isn’t important in the grand scheme of things - sobriety or recovery, it is a life and death deal, not a video game, and I, for one, will not babysit anyone’s feelings. Mine weren’t and I’m sober despite what Danny says.
God Bless…
Danny Schwarzhoff
Aug 6, 2006 at 6:16 pm
You can be more than sober. You can recover. I invite you join us at: We Have Recovered.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/We_Have_Recovered
You may like it. Who knows? You may even get to like me! If not there are others there who are more likeable than I am anyway.
I shall not darken your door here anymore. But feel free to darken mine anyday.
Peace,
Danny S
http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com
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"Mike P "
Apr 24, 2007 at 11:07 am
oh well shit ,,,it takes me this long to get back and we are still figuring out that staying “sober” one day at a time is just as important as “recovering” what the ,,,? You know we have been around a little bit you and i “mark” and Im pretty sure when in my single numbers i would not have argue the point of recovery vs sober ,,,,
A lot of people pressing the impressing button , which is we try so hard to “sound ” like we know what we are talking about …like i was told and from time to time still told “sit down shut up and pay attention”
Mark
Apr 24, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Pressing the impressing button lol…
You’ve been listening - hehehehe
"Mike P "
Apr 28, 2007 at 6:23 am
BOY OH BOY IT STILL TAKES SOME TIME TO GET TO THIS BLOG ,,,,,What gives? is my PC clogged with teenager crap or what? dont have any trouble getting to other blogs? hmmmmm I wonder is it by design of the the author of the blog? tricky bastard ,,lomao ….
hows that beginners mtg going ? I went the other night to rocky point an felt like the only person there that know it was a beginner’s mtg , the speaker with 13 years spoke of things that in my opinion where not on a new comers level , I d However bring it back as we were thought ,
No God ….No Peace
KNOW GOD …..KNOW PEACE !!!!!!!!!! :}
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