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A Dozen Steps

Clearly Defiant

by Mark on February 27th, 2008

firstthings.jpgI had been clearly defiant to those around me when I was a child (not drinking), later on once I had begun to drink, and as an adult because by then I was a walking, talking attitude case.

I didn’t see it, they did. And they told me. When they told me, it pi**ed me off. Then I became more defiant. Eventually, some mere mention of it would twist my gut into instant anger.

Had they also mentioned that I was defying God I think I might have really lost it. He was my last and only hope - but - He never delivered what I so desperately wanted, what I kept asking Him for.

I arrive in AA and within a very short time I learned that I had been defying Him. I still didn’t quite understand how but I had become open-minded to its possibilities.

Today I read page 31 in AA’s 12&12 and there is no confusion, no doubt, no misunderstanding. It’s clear as a bell.

“As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic. So it’s not strange that lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. That was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”

Now, despite years of practicing “Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done,” I continue to live in my world where all, except being an active drunkard, remains a fact of my life. I struggle with this - a lot. Yet, there’s no alcohol on my breath.

What’s the difference from then to now?

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POSTED IN: Second Step

9 opinions for Clearly Defiant

  • Chris M
    Feb 27, 2008 at 9:02 am

    I’ve been going through a difficult experience over the last 3 months that absolutely required that I walk in faith, and I’ve got to tell you, ACTING in faith (as opposed to simply HAVING faith, which I still think, for me anyway, is hardly possible) is the most uncomfortable, unnatural thing in the world. It doesn’t say anywhere that Magical Santa Clause God will make everything work out perfectly. We could hardly call it faith then. It says that we will be able to use our struggles to grow spiritually. That’s what’s different for me. Not only am I not drunk, but I’m a little bit more spiritual, a little more useful to my fellows, a little closer to God.

  • Mark
    Feb 27, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Hey Chris! Welcome…

    “It doesn’t say anywhere that Magical Santa Clause God will make everything work out perfectly.”

    No - it sure doesn’t.

    Thanks for an excellent comment :) it is appreciated.

  • Alexaholic
    Feb 27, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    on pg. 31 2nd paragraph: “…In AA we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe….This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions…”

    One of the most powerful pages in AA literature(that ive read of course)

    Thanks Mark GREAT Topic!!!
    Take Care

  • Mark
    Feb 27, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    You’re welcome QD… :)

    Now - don’t forget the last sentence of that paragraph, it’s important.

    “We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

    That’s more than a lot of folks can do! (including me on occasion…)

  • Alexaholic, QD
    Feb 27, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    that sentence is so polite yet powerful.

    thanks two name

  • Mark
    Feb 27, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    UR most welcome again knucklehead lol…

    “two name?” See? Nothing original lmao…

  • Alexaholic, QD
    Feb 28, 2008 at 11:15 am

    oh I wish wallstreet matt was around to knock you off your totem pole

    jk

  • Mark
    Feb 28, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    That would be…

    pedestal…

    rookie…

    LMAO!!!

  • Alexaholic, QD
    Feb 28, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Touche Sir!!

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