Dammit! I Didn’t Demand Anything!
My first stop each day, if you hadn’t figured it out :), is the Daily Reflection. Today’s begins with this: “My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.”
And I damn well want to know why I am still unstable when I make no friggin’ demands upon God for anything!!!
I’ve been reading our literature and it’s references to demands as opposed to requests for some time now. I understand the differences. It was made clear to me what I’d been doing with my alcoholic, negative thinking when I was drinking and even early on (about 15 years lol) sober. There’s been a lot of water under the demand bridge between my God and I for years.
And still my emotional stability rests on very shaky ground.
“Years of dependency on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows.”
In the years since I stopped, by God’s grace, depending on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer, my ability to interact emotionally has improved, quite a bit.
“I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people.”
AA taught me that self-sufficiency was a juggernaut who’s end result is ruin. AA taught me that belief meant reliance not defiance. AA taught me that relying on people would fail me because they are human too.
“Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependency, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything.”
This very last attempt to make the best of the interaction opportunity that was presented came very close to a feeling of losing my self-respect. That didn’t happen. Yet I’m still feeling compulsive, drawn towards it. And when I fight the compulsion, I feel sad and depressed.
Yeah, they also said it was a strange twist of the mind, didn’t they?
Tags: 7th-step, alcoholics-anonymous, Recovery, serenityRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Daily Reading
3 opinions for Dammit! I Didn’t Demand Anything!
Oliver
Jul 17, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Still getting over this girl? It’s a tough one. It’s like Eckhart Tolle said: relationships don’t cause pain, they just bring up the pain that was already in us from childhood. It’s not the girl that’s causing the pain, Mark. It’s you.
Mark
Jul 17, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Thanks Oliver, you’re not wrong :) and you’re not telling me anything I didn’t know already lol…
Actually doing what I was taught to do except in a different place and well within self-imposed guidelines - sharing it until it goes away and hoping that someone can see that it isn’t an excuse to drink.
The compulsion has been a PITA but that is also lessening. The depression will improve too.
Oliver
Jul 18, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Yeah. It’s the sort of pain I ran away from when I was drinking but God and the fellowship of AA give me the strength to go through the fire and come through it stronger and more able to face the world. It will make you stronger and less fearful, that’s been my experience. Hurts like hell though! Blessings to you and thanks for all the good ideas you put on here. O.
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