Freedom From Guilt
Today’s Daily Reflection;
“Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word “blame” from our speech and thought”
This reading points out a level of self-deception that I am grateful I understand today…
“When I became willing to accept my own powerlessness, I began to realize that blaming myself for all the troubles in my life can be an ego trip back into hopelessness.”
My ego will deceive me into believing that I am soooo important that I have the power to create all that is evil in my life. When I was drinking I certainly was incapable of perceiving this reality! The negativity that I had fostered for so long led me into a perpetual victim role for the sole purpose of convincing me that I was so bad there was no hope and booze would ease the pain. Right…
“Asking for help and listening deeply to the messages inherent in the Steps and Traditions of the program make it possible to change those attitudes which delay my recovery.”
Listening deeply? Changing attitudes? As an active alcoholic it wasn’t me who had the attitude - it was you! Which required therefore, that I would not listen to you! Denial… based in ego.
“Before joining A.A. I had such a desire for approval from people in powerful positions that I was willing to sacrifice myself, and others, to gain a foothold in the world.”
Specifically - the times I’d call home and offer some lame story about going out for “just a couple” with the boss because it was about networking and influence. “It?” Success… And I needed to be successful for a number of reasons, the least of which is that my habits had become expensive and I then needed to make more in order to keep “her” happy at home too! Couldn’t let life get away from me!
“I invariably came to grief.”
Invariably, without fail. Well, it seems I couldn’t have “just a couple” and the inevitability was that the boss knew it and “she” lived with it through more than one boss. As she lived through it, the fear and anger grew and grew…
“In the program I find true friends who love, understand, and care to help me learn the truth about myself. With the help of the Twelve Steps, I am able to build a better life, free of guilt and the need for self-justification.”
There was a time she was willing to be a true friend, I’m certain. I’m just as certain my continued insanity drove her past that point and she gave up. Natural and normal, though drinking I’d have never perceived it that way.
Thank God for AA! [She and her = Barbara. Rick taught me "she" has a name and Rick was right.]
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POSTED IN: Experience, Strength and Hope, First Step, Reality
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