Hard To Understand
This is a prime example of one of those stories that are very difficult to understand with a variety of ways to perceive it. It is also a prime example of where the 12 Steps of recovery work their miracles. Unfortunately, in the specific case it doesn’t appear that the Steps are involved as of this moment. The Guide at Alcoholism at About.com ought to know better and it would be my hope that he has guided this lady in the proper direction.
Mary’s daughter was the passenger on a “bullet bike” which had left a bar with her and a drunk driver. 20 minutes later, a 25 year-old young lady was dead. That was, as of the entry at About.com, 5 years ago. Six weeks after this unfortunate accident, Mary entered treatment (Mary had attempted sobriety numerous previous times).
As unfortunate as the death of her daughter is, it is also truly unfortunate that Mary apparently is shouldering the burden of blame for her daughters’ death saying;
“The most serious consequence [of my alcoholic behavior] being the death of my first child, my only daughter, when she was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 25.”
And…
“Because of my behavior I will always feel as if I gave her permission to get on that bike and then I handed her the keys. She respected me, what I had to say, and what I did. In spite of what I was doing to myself all of those years, little did I know that my behavior would play a part in my daughter’s death.”
Mary’s statement in the last paragraph of the article is certainly what I feel most people would think and is understandable. She says;
“Through this last treatment I realized that regardless of the fact that I have this ‘disease’ called alcoholism, I am responsible for my actions. All of those times I was told I had to be sober for me, I wish someone could have told me to pay attention to what my kids were seeing.”
First Things First. Having worked through the 9th Step I believe with all my heart that the God I understand today has forgiven me for the things I did. Mary! Your Higher Power forgives you too!
Additionally, since an oldtimer made it exceptionally clear to me that my father didn’t pour the alcohol down my throat, therefore the blame game I tried to play with that in early sobriety was not going to work, Mary! As difficult as it may be (and as cold as it may sound) the reality is your daughter was 25 years old and was mature enough to know the consequences of her own actions! The biggest trick here is to believe that she is now in God’s care because He loves her and did all along. Then, the next trick will be to believe that God forgave you, now forgive yourself!
Yes, you are responsible for your own actions, but you are not responsible for the actions of others, including your children. (Before you make a comment - yes, I have children and one of them was gifted with sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous). What this line of thinking has the capability of doing is leading Mary down the “poor me, poor me, pour me a drink road” unless she can come to a spiritual solution of forgiveness.
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POSTED IN: Spirituality, The 12 Steps
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