A Dozen Steps

I Put Them In God’s Hands

by Mark on February 18th, 2007

But I forgot to tell them…

The recent events that have come and passed with my son and brother. “I’m a lover not a fighter.” How many times have you heard someone say that?

I had no control. I tried. I couldn’t change what happened. I tried again and again. Nothing changed. Thank God for AA and the 12 Steps. Eventually I let go.

I had come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and I saw that it said “ourselves” and “us.” Did they need to be restored? I didn’t know but, on the chance that they did, I believed that only He could. Eventually I let go.

I learned and then felt it to be right that the most loving thing I could do for those I loved was to leave them in God’s hands. There is just simply no better place to leave them!

Then I struggled with letting go of … me! As some of you may have noticed, I can still struggle with that but I made a world of progress considering I had never done it before AA. Now I’ve been practicing it for a long time and guess what? Nobody said it would be easy. Sometimes it isn’t.

It has been over a decade.

The people I haven’t seen for so many years have zero, nada, no information about my life at all. They may know where my Blog is, they may know where a web site or two are, they may know an email, but that is about where their knowledge ends.

Why? I really do not have to answer the question - why? I was locked in a battle with life for a long time. And I didn’t drink. That’s enough. I won’t forget - those that matter don’t judge, those that judge don’t matter. I had put myself in God’s hands and stayed locked in battle with life. I Let Go and Let God and stayed locked in that battle. Eventually I determined I was meant to be in this battle and I did whatever I could to learn what I needed to learn.

Now, I’m taking care of business. I’m no longer locked in the same battle. I’m making use of the lessons.

I made my amends. Obviously they didn’t accept them. I still made them and am living sober which is another amend. I no longer harm any of them which is a living amend. My brother sided with my ex-wife Barbara and cursed me. He was drinking then (he says he isn’t now, I don’t believe him). He didn’t want to hear any AA crap.

A Doctor told him, after having sewn his liver and spleen up from an accident, that were he to take one more drink he was a dead man. The moment he admitted to me he’d started drinking again is the moment he said he didn’t want to hear any of that AA crap. I walked away. If you don’t want it I won’t waste my time trying to give it to you.I haven’t seen him again and it was a long time before I left Long Island and there were many opportunities for meetings. None happened.

I think in these years I’ve lived in approximately 40 different places across the entire US and in some cities many different spots in the same cities. Funny - I’ve been able to access the Internet just about the entire time. But to pack up and move, often without notice at the hands of “friends,” takes a toll. You get tired but you are required to keep moving which I did. The day came when I was able to settle down.

I’ve been asked often why I didn’t call. First - I didn’t want to hear Barbara’s voice. Very, very simple. The times I did after the divorce it was painful. Secondly - to talk about what exactly? I remember a brief “conversation” with my son around Christmas 1997 when I told him I had no money for Christmas and he absolutely lambasted me for not buying them gifts. I was having trouble eating.

I Let Go and Let God. I had to!

But I didn’t tell them.

Perhaps I should have kept calling so I could allow myself to be continually beat up for being a failure. I don’t think so. I fed myself instead. I won’t apologize for feeding myself. I needed to live, if it was meant to be, so when the day arrived, I could take care of business. Today I’m taking care of business -

And they want to rip my heart out once again and stomp on it. WELL, IT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN!!! AND I DAMN WELL AIN’T GOING TO DRINK AT IT!!!

My God loves me and if you don’t, so be it. For those who judge, you aren’t the first and won’t be the last - so be that also. I answer to a much higher power than you anyway. You can’t open the doors of heaven for me because you don’t have that power! And - you’re powerless over alcohol too…

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POSTED IN: Second Step, The Third Step