Secret And Exciting Affairs Equal Very Remorseful
Which is true in my case as well as many others whom I’ve known in sobriety. It just doesn’t work!
Yet the most foolish continue to go about their self-centered, selfish ways and engage in this conduct.
Beginning on page 80;
“The chances are that we have domestic troubles. Perhaps we are mixed up with women in a fashion (works both ways folks) we wouldn’t care to have advertised.”
True for me. And for her. I was the cause. She was the recipient of the emotional harm.
“After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else?”
Again, very true in my case. How could she have been anything but worn out? I put her through an emotional wringer. Imagine if I hadn’t loved her…
“Perhaps he is having a secret and exciting affair with ‘the girl who understands.’ In fairness we must say that she may understand, but what are we going to do about a thing like that?
Drawing on the experience that we attract what we are, the likelihood that she understands is because she isn’t new to this “game.”
“A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him.”
Yes, I did and drank the feelings of remorse away. Yes, she did. And the further into hell she went the quieter she became until the opportunity to explode presented itself.
“Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. If she knows in a general way that we have been wild, should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault.”
NO! Do NOT tell her details! At least, that is my experience. Tell your God or your Higher Power. If you spew open details you are hurting her and that may be your “hidden” agenda even if you don’t believe it is a hidden agenda. Don’t do it. Speak with your sponsor, your priest, your mental health professional. Don’t lay that emotional lightning on an already beaten up spouse.
“She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person.”
Let me tell you… if you’re like me you have gone a long way towards instilling in your spouse a “self-fulfilling” action - that of self-inflicting emotional harm. The more information she had, the worse she felt. It only added to the original harm. And, if she had found the other woman? Same deal - communication with her added to what was already a bad situation. Plus, now the other person feels pain. We’ve dealt out enough pain!
“We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated.”
That’s the solution!!! Don’t repeat these insane actions. They are not based in soundness of mind which means you’re missing something in the Second Step too!
Tags: 11th-step, 2nd-step, 8th-step, 9th-step, honesty, truthRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Experience, Strength and Hope, The Eighth Step, The Ninth Step
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