Utilize Don’t Analyze
I’m an alcoholic. One of my character defects is perfectionism. I have a tendency to over-analyze while I seek perfection. The oldtimers recognized it. They had had it, knew it and made it known to me, thankfully. Then they told me to utilize, not analyze. It was very much along the lines, for me, of intellectualizing myself right into my next drink, complicating boiling water, well, you get the idea.
Once again, I’d like to thank John B for his experience which he has been sharing here recently. His latest was on the entry “When I Die.”
Now that I’ve re-read what I wrote… hmmm… I hadn’t made myself as clear as - now - I’d have liked to. The concept (directive) of a sponsor telling someone not to sponsor more than three people was actually a directive that had been given to me by my sponsor! Rick knew that my ego could not handle the “big-shot” attitude of being the sponsor of many people. Simple. Sensible. I took the directive.
Analyze? I could look at many, many “situations” I’ve experienced in AA and say that, from what I’ve seen, IN REAL LIFE, is that Rick was right on point with his thoughts and feelings about this subject. I’m thankful he suggested to me what I ought not do. My experience is that some of the most arrogant, obnoxious, hurtful, dangerous, members of AA are those that I’ve seen sponsoring many people - well more than three. The entry “When I Die” was relating to one of them.
Utilize? It isn’t rocket science again, for me. I simply will not sponsor more than three people. My ego is a big enough challenge and I will do what is necessary to also not impose my will on situations where it has been suggested by an experienced person, not to impose it.
John has made some excellent points and used the Big Book to do it. That’s good stuff! In order to utilize, not analyze, I’ll ask John to work with me and let us agree to disagree somewhat. (We can do that in recovery).
When John says “Ultimately, I believe my job as a sponsor is [to] lead that new man into a relationship with a higher power of his own choosing. I don’t believe the number of folks I sponsor has anything to do with the way I work my own program. If I’m not sponsoring anyone, that doesn’t mean I’m in a bad place. If I sponsor a lot of guys, that doesn’t mean I’m doing something good. Each case should be judged differently.”
I agree and disagree. I agree with what my job is, but I do believe that the number of people I sponsor has the potential to have a direct effect on my program of recovery. I agree that if I’m not sponsoring anyone it doesn’t mean I’m in a bad place, but I do believe that if I were to sponsor more than three people I would be in a position to do more harm than good. To myself or to them.
I believe these things because of the second step, the third step and the eleventh step. I believe these things because the God that I understand has given me the soundness of mind to pay attention to those who’ve gone before me. I believe these things because the God that I understand is making an example of me to those that I would help by removing my difficulties. I believe these things because I have received guidance for my life to about the same extent as I had been demanding that guidance but stopped. I believe these things because when two or more people tell you that your ego and pride will kill you, you need to pay attention! I am paying attention!
Tags: 11th-step, 2nd-step, 3rd-step, RecoveryRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Experience, Strength and Hope, The Seventh Step
8 opinions for Utilize Don’t Analyze
John B
Jul 28, 2006 at 1:20 pm
I’m really glad you’ve got this blog. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s really amazing what we can pack into life once we start relying on a Higher Power. Your talents are being utilized quite well. I hope my participation here is helping to enhance… I’m sure there are some that will think I’ve got the big shotism because I’ve responded so many posts lately !
It’s wonderful to share differences of opinion without having to argue.
I couldn’t agree with you any more… especially the part of having a big ego and wanting to be the big-shot. I can easily get carried away off into left field in no time.
I’ve certainly seen a lot of people in A.A. that match the beautiful description you laid out, “arrogant, obnoxious, hurtful, dangerous”. I heard one of those guys from the west coast a few months back really rip another member of A.A. from the podium of a conference. I don’t believe their attitudes are always tied to the number of folks they sponsor.
One thing I recognize that’s really important about what you brought up, is that this was something your sponsor told you. There is a LOT of weight there. My sponsor is the only person who has the right to get into every and any aspect of my life and he’s been there. He knows more about who I am and what I’m likely to do. When My Sponsor gives me any type of direction, it’s not my job to go shop the opinion around with my other friends, that just gets me in trouble. (Personal Experience). My sponsor has all the facts about me and I know he has my best interest at heart. So what he says, goes. (This could lead to a different topic real quick) That said, I always have the right to make my own decisions… I’m sure Clarence S. was the first to disobey his sponsor when he started having meetings in Cleveland, OH. … Some people believe this was the very first official A.A. meeting; nonetheless, he made a very lasting impact on A.A. (God’s got a funny way of getting things done when he’s the one in charge.)
I only sponsor 1 or 2 guys. I know I have a lot going on in my life and I think I’m pretty much at my limit. I certainly don’t go trying to round them up. I know my sponsor has a few guys that he sponsors, don’t really know the number. I’m almost certain that his sponsor has a lot more than 7 sponsorees. He also has 49 years of sobriety and he’s retired. He’s got more time on his hands and he’s a genius at working with others and managing time. He’s also a very kind and respected member…
So I think, still, that each case should be different. I’m not convinced there is a blanket answer that applies to everyone everywhere on the question: “How many people can you effectively sponsor?” other than… “Ask Your Sponsor”
Thy will, not mine be done.
markw
Jul 28, 2006 at 1:49 pm
Love it! Love it! Love it!
This is a wonderful, beautiful freedom isn’t it?
Thanks so much John :-)
John B
Jul 28, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Thanks for letting me post comments. If I get too rowdy, let me know.
dAAve / higher powered
Jul 28, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Thanks for your post, Mark. And thanks for your response, John.
I currently sponsor 4 guys so when reading this post I went — uh oh! By the end of the post, I\’m still looking for the reason that 3 would be a magic number. I really didn\’t want to take on the 4th guy, but he asked and I didn\’t say no. (there are some other circumstances that helped me make that decision) I let MY sponsor know that I had taken on a 4th person and he thought it would not be a big deal. I, too, am retired and have the time to give to 4 guys one-on-one each week. If one of those leaves me for whatever reason, I probably would not take on another, even if asked. I DO feel I\’m at my limit.
I agree with John that each case is different. There can\’t be a magic number.
But good stuff here and thanks again.
markw
Jul 28, 2006 at 6:54 pm
John,
Please - post away! Tell ya’ what tho’ lol - I’m having a bit of a time keeping up with you with all I have to do ;-)
But - don’t stop!
markw
Jul 28, 2006 at 6:59 pm
Hey dAAve,
I agree with both of you - each case ought to be considered on its own merits.
Originally, the first person I spoke of was told not to sponsor more than three folks but took it upon themselves to sponsor seven with the \”qualification\” that there were only so many, out of the seven, \”in the steps.\” Whatever that means…
I very much appreciate your contributions also dAAve! Thanks…
Mark
Gwen
Jul 30, 2006 at 6:52 am
My sponsor and I have had this discussion several times lately. I don’t believe there is a magic number and I do believe we can sponsor too many people. My sponsor and her sponsor will only sponsor one new comer at a time. So they may have five sponsees but only one new comer. This allows others to have a chance at sponsorship as well as keeping some type of personal balance. The past two-three years I have worked with three new comers and all had very serious mental illness and were on lots of medication. It seemed the same with each. They all played with there meds even though I highly suggested to “work closely with your doctor.” They all played doctor. I had a real hard time as the boundaries were overstepped frequently and it started to become more than just staying away from a drink. I was frequently verbally attacked only to do the tenth step and say ~ what is my part? I had to learn that when someone is mentally ill to this degree there is no making sense of things. I let two girls go and the third recently picked up. It was strongly suggested I let her go and take a short break from sponsorship. The suggestion to let her go was not because she picked up but because she moved into her parents almost two hours away. She needs someone who will be at meetings with her. The sponse added that if I choose to continue sponsoring her I should seriously look at why. It would be ego or fear no doubt. I was told to pick up other commitments in the interim as there are many ways of doing twelve step work.
My sponsor had a period of time when she was sponsoring ten people. She loves to help others and is excellent at doing so. She said she would never do that again for two reasons. 1 - It is not fair to the girls she is sponsoring 2 - It is depriving others of a chance at sponsorship. She said her identity was wrapped up in being a sponsor. She grew through this and has learned to set limits.
I hope some of this made some sense ;)
G~
markw
Jul 30, 2006 at 7:40 am
Gwen! That makes absolutely perfect sense! Amazing how our experiences teach us incredibly important lessons…
Thanks,
Mark
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